It’s Me

Abra-Kebabra

A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the performer’s throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.

Aussie Kiss

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Back End of the Bat Mobile

The state of your Brass Eye soon after you eat a really hot curry. "I had a Ring Stinger in the Benghazi restaurant last night, and now I’ve got a dose of Gandhi’s Revenge. My arse feels like the back end of the Bat Mobile."

Beaver Leaver

or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.

Beer Coat

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Beer Compass

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you’re too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you’ve come from.

Bone of Contention

A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

Breaking the Seal

Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Budgie’s Tongue

or Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag. The female erection.

BVH

Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.

Cider Visor

Beer Goggles for the young drinker.

Cliterature

1-handed reading material.

Cock-A-Doodle-Poo

The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick.

Crappucino

The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.

Double Bass

A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman’s nipples with one hand and her Budgie’s Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

Etch-A-Sketch

Trying to draw a smile on a woman’s face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

Fizzy Gravy

or Rusty Water. Diarrhoea.

Flogging On

Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

Free the Tadpoles

Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.

Frigmarole

Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

Fu*kShitFu*kShitFu*kShit

The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

Going For a McShit

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, our declaration to them that you’ll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

Greyhound

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Hand-to-Gland
Combat
A vigorous masturbation session.

Hefty Cleft
or Horse’s Collar, or Welly Top. Description of a very large vagina.

McSplurry

The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.

Millennium Domes

The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".

Mystery Bus
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NBR

No Beers Required. Someone that you’d chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.

Picasso Arse

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got 4 buttocks.

Sperm Wail

or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

Starfish Trooper

or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.

10-Pinter

Someone that you’d only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

2-Bagger

Someone that you’d need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

Titanic

A lady who goes down first time out.

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation
     with your fellow passenger."
      
      Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What 
      would you like to discuss?"
      
      "Oh, I don’t know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
      
      "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me 
ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
      
      "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
      
      "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?"

Sex in a boat = Oargasms

Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms

Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms

Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms

Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms

Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms

Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms

Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms

Sex with an accountant = Boregasms

Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms

Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms

Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms

Sex while broke = Poorgasms

Sex with a lion = Roargasms

Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms

Sex on a golf course = Foregasms

Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms

Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms

Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms

Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms

Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S’moregasms

Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms

Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms

Sex on the beach = Shoregasms

Sex when you get an award = Honogasms

Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms

Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms

Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms

Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms

Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms

Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms

Sex that isn’t very satisfying = there’s the doorgasms

Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms

Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms

Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms

Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms

Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms

Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms

Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms

Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms

Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms

Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms

Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms

Sex while flying = Soargasms

Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms

Sex with an astronaut who didn’t make it into space = Abortgasms

Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms

Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms

Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms

Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms

Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms

Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms

Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms

Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms

Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms

Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms

Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms

Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms

Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms

Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms

Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms

Sex with Frankenstein’s assistant = Igorgasms

Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms

Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms

Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms

Sex without a climax = Nogasms

Here’s a chance for you men to find out how compassionate and sensitive you are to women.  Do
    something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes
and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
 Simple Duties                           
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.(0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up. (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty. (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.(-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom. (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
with wings. (+5)
But return with beer. (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something. (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron. (+10)
It’s her father. (-10)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy. (-2)
Named Tiffany. (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer. (-6)
Tiffany has implants. (-8) 

Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner. (0)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar. (+1)
It is a sports bar. (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face  is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A Night Out With The Boys
And the pal is happily married. (-4)
Or frighteningly single. (-7)
And he drives a Mustang. (-10)
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED). (-15)

A Night Out
You take her to a movie. (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It’s called Death Cop 3. (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex. (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of
it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say "I don’t give a damn because you have one too." (-800)

The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?". (-5)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.(+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV. (+10)
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep. (-20)

Scoring
Start with 50 points and add your
score to it.  If you ended up with +15 then your score would
        be 65 for the 65th percentile.  If you got -15 then your
score would be 35 for the 35th percentile. 

A driver is stopped by a
  police officer. The driver asks, "What’s the problem officer?" Officer: "You
  were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh,
  Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.) Officer: "I’m
  also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail
  light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you’ve known
  about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
  Officer: "I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
  Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh
  Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT
  YOUR MOUTH!" The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma’am, does your husband
  talk to you this way all the time?" The wife says, "No, only when he’s drunk."

Come on…test yourself if you’re smart enough…

http://www.college911.com/express/precog9/index.asp

Ada seorang gadis sedang di dalam satu bas di suatu waktu petang. Dikala ramai orang berebut-berebut untuk pulang ke rumah, gadis itu yang keadaannya agak resah sedang duduk berdepan dengan seorang lelaki
Jawa, yang sedang berdiri berhimpit-himpit dengan penumpang yang lain.

Memang kebisaannya di waktu begini jalankan jem. Jadi bas tu tak dapat le bergerak dengan sempurna. Gadis yang resah tu rupanya nak terkencing. Tetapi dia tak dapat turun sebab orang ramai dan bas tidak berhenti
rumahnya pun jauh lagi.

Tahan punya tahan last-last terkencing le sikit. Bila dia perasan, dia pun buat-buatle buka handbag dan cuba mencari sesuatu. Tanpa disedari Jawa di depannya dah perhatikan dia dengan agak lama juga. Nak jadi cerita orang yang duduk sebelah gadis tersebut pun bangun sebab dah sampai. Jadi gadis tersebut pun alih le ke tempat tersebut kerana seat dia dah basah. Jadi Jawa ni pun nak duduk le.

Bila dia tengok basah dia tanye kat gadis tersebut, "Aduh bu, ngapa tempat ni basah ya?" Jawab gadis tersebut, "Ohh…tadi botol minyak wangi saya tertumpah. Saya cari tutupnya tapi tak jumpa. Dalam beg
tangan pun tak ada".

Jadi Jawa tu pun keluarkan le saputangannya dan lap sebelum duduk. Setelah duduk dia pun ciumle saputangan tersebut untuk menghidu wangiannya. Bau-bau punya baru le Jawa tu tau rupanya air kencing sambil tersenyum Jawa tu jawab, "Lo…kalau minyak wangi jenama ini, kalau mau saya ada penutupnya…"